We all like to think that we’re great communicators. However, when we explain something to somebody, and they are only half-listening or start to give their opinion, it can often lead to an argument. What happened?

When it comes to productive and healthy conversations, you want to remind yourself of these three things:

• Is it the appropriate time
• Is it the appropriate place
• Is the person physically and emotionally available

There is nothing more frustrating than trying to share something with somebody, and they’re not fully engaged, they are distracted, or only half-heartedly listening. What you want to tell them is important to you, but it appears as if they aren’t listening or really don’t seem to care. When this happens, we often have our feelings hurt and feel invalidated. However, the responsibility is on us to have our needs met.

If you have something important to discuss, you must plan ahead. Review the above three factors to create a healthy scenario for your discussion. Once that criteria is met, then set your objective for the conversation. For example, if I need to discuss something important, I will text that person and say, “Hey, Ana, are you free later this evening, around 5 pm, to talk? If she can do it, then she will let me know. If she cannot, then we will figure out a time that fits into both of our schedules.

Just before I start the conversation, I will let Ana know what my objective is for her as the listener. For example, “Ana, I just need to vent. I’m not looking for you to fix this.” Or, “I’m struggling here, can you give me some feedback?”

If you don’t set the intentions for the outcome you want, most people will automatically attempt to problem solve. People who love you will want to alleviate the pain you are feeling and will give you what they think are viable solutions. Some will not validate what you are feeling but immediately provide solutions. Unfortunately, this can create an even greater emotional rift between the two of you.

If you continue to practice healthy conversations, then be sure to ask others what they need from you when they ask if you can talk. This will help you both have a healthy discussion, and no one’s feelings will be hurt.

Remember, to create a healthy conversation, you must create a healthy scenario.

James Miller is a licensed psychotherapist and the executive producer and host of the nationally broadcasted and syndicated radio show James Miller | LIFEOLOGY®. For more information please visit JamesMillerLIFEOLOGY®.com or LIFEOLOGY.tv.

#communication #relationships #healthy #boundaries #friendships