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A woman refusing to help her sister with her dying father’s care has found support online.

In a post to Reddit‘s Am I the A******? (AITA) forum on October 10, user u/Calm_Cover_3862 explained that she and her half-sister Katie share a mother, but have different biological fathers. She was a baby when her mother met her stepdad, and was four years old when Katie was born.

Her stepdad chose to ignore and neglect her during her childhood, but doted on Katie, leading to the sisters having a strained relationship as adults. Now, her stepdad has terminal lung cancer, and Katie wants the poster to help out with his care.

However, Calm_Cover_3862 wants nothing to do with the man, but feels torn after Katie called her “selfish.” Turning to Reddit for advice, the poster wanted to know if she was really “the a******” for leaving her half-sister to care for him alone.

‘Set Clear Boundaries’

A 2013 study showed that parental favoritism can impact the quality of sibling relationships—a fact many people with brothers or sisters already know only too well.

Published in the journal of Marriage and Family, researchers discovered that favoring one child over another may not only strain sibling relationships during childhood and adolescence, but the effects can continue into adulthood, and be detrimental to the person’s mental health.

Using data collected from 151 pairs of adult siblings, participants who received less support from their parents reported higher rates of depression. Researchers also found that the more the parent favored one child, the worse the sibling relationship.

James Miller, a psychotherapist and host of self development and wellbeing radio show LIFEOLOGY, said that it’s common to feel pressured to care for family members, even if your relationship is toxic or abusive.

“Most people think that because someone is ‘family,’ other family members must care for them,” he told Newsweek.

“The poster has experienced a lonely and invalidating childhood, and it sounds like their pain and how they were treated influenced their decision, but the whole ‘family is family’ mantra we are all taught may be causing conflict.”

Miller said it’s not unusual for siblings to be raised in the same home, but have very different childhood experiences.

“It’s unfortunate, but the half-sister can’t relate to the poster’s childhood, and can’t grasp her pain,” he said.

“The poster can emotionally support her half-sister from afar, and set clear boundaries of what she will and will not do. Whatever choice she makes, she needs to be resolute with her decision to prevent others from coercing her into something that does not feel healthy or safe.”

‘I Owe That Man Nothing’

In her post, Calm_Cover_3862 said her mom and stepdad met when she was six months old, and moved in together within a few weeks. Her stepdad refused to have anything to do with her right from the beginning, and made this fact clear to her mother, who had no problem with her new husband ignoring and neglecting her firstborn.

However, her half-sister Katie was the “apple of her dad’s eye.” Now both in their 20s, the siblings have a volatile relationship, with Katie dismissing her father’s treatment of Calm_Cover_3862 during her childhood.

“Even after her dad told her I was not his kid and she was the only person in the world who mattered to him, she would still bring him up to me as being amazing to us,” she said.

“Our mom was often around to tell me I needed to accept that I had a different dad to Katie and that needed to be okay. She told me kids have different parents all the time and are still siblings and should be close.”

Growing up, Katie “got everything,” while the poster had nothing. The stepdad would buy Katie nice clothes and take her for restaurant trips and visits to amusement parks.

“One time she followed me around all day to ask ‘dad’ for new clothes, and to get her off my back I did,” she said.

“He asked me why the hell I was asking him for anything and that was that. Katie said I gave up too easily.”

After her mom died when she was 18, her stepdad forced her out of the house, with the poster not “welcome” at her mom’s funeral. Recently, her stepdad was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, with now 20-year-old Katie the only one available to care for him.

“She called when they got the news saying we would need to help take care of him,” she said.

“I told Katie no way. She said we can’t just leave him. That we owe him better than to leave him to rot alone and unwanted. I told her I owe that man nothing.

“That he hated me and did nothing for me and I do not care to comfort him in his final months.”

Katie told the poster that she “can’t do it alone,” so Calm_Cover_3862 reached out to others in her support system to help. Katie responded by calling her selfish, and said the poster should “be doing it for her then, because she needs my help and I’m all she has in the world.”

Reddit users reassured Calm_Cover_3862 that she had done nothing wrong, with the post receiving almost 6,000 upvotes and nearly 700 comments.

“[Katie] was a kid when it happened but she is old enough to know better now,” said Fine_Prune_743.

“Your mother is the [a******] for marrying this guy in the first. He stole your childhood and you owe him nothing. You owe her nothing as well.”

SunnyRose57 agreed, writing: “You can help [your sister] in other ways, but you are not obligated to help a man that abused you.”

Amore-7 wrote: “He made it clear that he’s not your dad. Just because Katie is living in her own world doesn’t make it any less true.”

While Bobbsham suggested cutting Katie “out of her life permanently.”

“Your sister comes off as a spoilt golden child who has severe issues with empathy. Stop engaging, walk away.”

Newsweek has reached out to u/Calm_Cover_3862 for comment. We couldn’t verify the details of the case.

If you have a similar family dilemma, let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.

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BY SOPHIE LLOYD ON 10/21/22 AT 7:00 AM EDT

relationships #toxicrelationships #parenting #emotionalabuse