The majority of us would like to date or even marry the person of our dreams. You may have an idea of what that person looks like, the emotional attributes they possess, as well as how you’d spend your future together. As you progress in your dating journey, you will meet many types of people. Some of these romantic interests will be passionate and intense and may eventually break your heart. Conversely, with others, you will be the heart breaker. Unfortunately, for many, when relationships end, a sense of loneliness starts to creep in. Since no one likes to feel lonely, we often begin to allow this feeling to influence us when we look for potential dating relationships.

After several failed or devastating heartbreaks, we will often then settle for someone that I call an “Emotional Stand-in.” In other words, an Emotional Stand-in is essentially a warm body we date until we find someone closer to who we had initially intended to date. The problem with Emotional Stand-ins is we expect to casually date them. However, because we want to connect with someone so badly, we surprisingly find ourselves attached to them. When this happens, it often turns into a dysfunctional relationship that we never intended to start in the first place. For some, this is a continuous relationship pattern, and they have taught themselves to only look for or date “Emotional Stand-ins.”

There are many times when we can tolerate being single, especially if we are focused at work, with friends or able to channel that energy into something productive. However, those times when we are lonely, we see our friends getting married, or the holiday seasons are about to pass, and we often long to be in a relationship. For some, the sense of loneliness, or feeling incomplete may present itself through promiscuity. After the encounter, this drive will be satisfied for a time, but the loneliness will return. This is a critical time to reflect on what is healthy for you in a relationship and how not to repeat the Emotional Stand-in cycle.

Are you able to reflect on a relationship that ended, and you told your friends afterward, “I knew I shouldn’t have dated that person” or, “My gut told me it wasn’t right from the start?” We all must learn to listen to that instinct. The instinct is always there and often will scream at us to walk away, but we often don’t. When we don’t heed its warning, we unknowingly repeat the relationship cycle and become frustrated because we feel all of our relationships end the same way. With more reflection, we can recognize when and how that gut instinct alerted us and then figure out what caused us to override the warning.

A good mantra to live by is “the pain of discipline is temporary, but the pain of compromise is permanent.”

This means disciplining yourself to understand and listen to your gut may feel lonely for a season. However, knowing you are breaking a relationship pattern will lead you towards the person who is right and healthy for you. Still, the pain of compromising in relationships, by dating Emotional Stand-ins, is an endless loop of loneliness, bitterness, and heartache. The way to interrupt the dysfunctional relationship pattern is to stop the cycle before you hear the siren call of loneliness.  

Your spirit, mind, and body always give you clues to what is healthy for you. However, past habits and reactive living due to loneliness often oppose your intuition, and you repeat the relationship cycle. Don’t let loneliness be the reason for dating someone, especially if they are an Emotional Stand-in.