When a chapter in our life ends, we like to find closure to help make sense of what has happened. We often experience this particular phenomenon when a relationship ends. We try to have one last conversation or interaction with the other person to let go. We consider this closure.
What happens if that person doesn’t want to speak with you or have a farewell conversation? How do you find closure? Closure is actually a state of mind you create based on the data and facts that are presented to you. In essence, closure is what you give yourself, not what the other person gives you.
Think about it logically, what words can the other person say to have this breakup make sense? What will an hour-long conversation do to ease your heartache? Somehow, after the interaction, you then decide you now have closure. But remember, it’s not what the other person gives you, but rather the mindset you created to start the healing process.
I remember one client, with whom I worked, was told she would hear from her recent ex very soon to have their last conversation. She assumed it would be later that week. She never heard back from him. I explained this concept to her. I asked her what specific words he could tell her to make her feel better about the relationship ending or to give her insight into what went wrong. Remember, closure is something we give ourselves. I had her write to herself a very detailed letter expressing her feelings, heartache, and other pertinent information she wanted to tell him. By doing this, she gave herself the closure she needed.
The majority of individuals have decided that the formula for moving on is to continue to communicate with the person one last time before they let go. Remember, the information you currently have is exactly what you need to move on. Of course, this does not take away from the heartache and pain you feel from a breakup. However, it gives you the power of what you choose to take away from the relationship. Keep in mind, someone refusing to talk to you is also just as important information as spoken words. All interactions, words, and behaviors, including silence, are relevant information for you to use to find your own version of closure.
There is nothing wrong with having one last interaction and wanting to know the reason for the breakup. However, if you tell yourself that you can only move on or heal if you have one last talk, then you’ve given away your power to the other person. Your healing process, after you’ve given away your power, will be skewed, and you will struggle to let go, sometimes pine for that person for years. You are, in essence, telling them you will not move on until they give you want. Remember, if they have broken up with you, they are not obligated to have any more interactions with you.
Waiting for someone, sometimes indefinitely, is one of the most painful things you can do to yourself. You are the person who gives yourself closure. No one can provide this to you. It starts with you making a choice to let go. If a person left you, let them go. Their time in your life is over. You are a beautiful, wonderful person. Don’t give away your power waiting for them to give you closure. Give it to yourself.
REFERENCES:
- Bockarova, M., Ph.D. (2016) Why We Need Closure From Broken Relationships. [Blog Post] Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/romantically-attached/201609/why-we-need-closure-broken-relationships
- Brickell, S. (2018) Do You Need to Get Relationship Closure With an Ex? [Blog Post] Retrieved from https://www.health.com/relationships/relationship-closure-ex
- Burns, C. (2017) How to Get Closure When Your Ex Won’t Speak to You [Blog Post] Retrieved from https://tinybuddha.com/blog/get-closure-ex-wont-speak/
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