Settling in relationships is a phrase people often use, especially when talking about modern dating, but I think the issue is more nuanced than that. Sometimes people are settling, yes. But a lot of what looks like settling in relationships is actually a recalibration of what a relationship means to that person.
As children, many of us develop an idealized view of love based on what was modeled for us by our parents, by culture, and by the media. That early blueprint often mixes needs and wants together, and it can leave people with the quiet expectation that one partner should somehow fulfill nearly everything. Then adulthood happens. Reality happens. Life happens. So that means the fantasy usually starts to crack.
Biological clocks, lonely weekends, pent-up sexual frustration, shifting social roles, emotional fatigue, and the sheer weight of modern life can all reshape what a person is willing to prioritize. So it is not always that someone is settling for less. Sometimes it is that their idea of what dating means has actually changed.
What Settling in Relationships Actually Means
What makes this even more complicated is that many people still have not clearly separated their needs from their wants. And that distinction matters more than people realize. Needs are the qualities that create the actual structure of a sustainable relationship. So that means things like being an effective communicator, having stable employment, demonstrating high integrity, and being aligned around the structure of the relationship itself, whether that is monogamy or ethical non-monogamy, depending on the person. It also means agreement about children, or not wanting children, and for some people, religious alignment is essential.
Wants are different. Wants are preferences. There is nothing wrong with having them, but they should not be confused with the things that actually hold a relationship together. Height, weight, income, white-collar or blue-collar identity, social status, and even extreme romantic gestures often sit in the wants category. And actually, some of those grand romantic expressions that feel impressive in the beginning are, in retrospect, less about love and more about love bombing dressed up as devotion.
Needs, Wants, and Emotional Stand-Ins
That is why when people tell me they have a certain type they like to date, I respond, “Yes, and you are single.” It usually takes them a beat. Then it lands. Then they realize that perhaps that is the issue. Because often their so-called type reflects a repeated want, not a repeated need. They keep choosing what feels familiar, what feels exciting, or what fits an image, while overlooking whether that person can actually sustain the kind of relationship they say they want.
So that means people can end up dating emotional stand-ins. By that I mean relationships that temporarily soothe loneliness, affirm desirability, or create intensity, but do not actually provide the deeper structure of partnership. They feel like something is happening. They feel emotionally active. But they are not necessarily relationally sound.
Settling in Relationships vs. Recalibrating Expectations
That is also why I think it is important to categorize relationships more honestly. Not every relationship is meant to serve the same purpose, and a lot of people get hurt because they are participating in one kind of relationship while privately hoping it will become another. A relationship of convenience is not the same as a relationship of romance. A sexual relationship is not the same as an emotionally reciprocal one. A companionship relationship is not always a deeply aligned long-term partnership.
When people do not name the relationship clearly, they start projecting larger meaning onto something that may only be serving a temporary or limited role in their life. So that means they are not just dating the person in front of them. They are dating their hope, their fear, their fantasy, and their unmet need all at the same time. Categorizing the relationship does not cheapen it. It actually clarifies it. It helps people engage the relationship for what it is, instead of for what they are hoping it will become.
In that sense, the deeper question is not simply whether dating is harder now than it was in the past. It is that people are navigating more contradictions. Social media may reward independence and self-containment, while privately that same person longs for closeness and consistency, not realizing that both can be true. A person should be independent and self-sufficient because, without that, a relationship can more easily slide into unhealthy codependent tendencies. But at the same time, longing for a partner is, for many people, a very natural human desire.
So yes, dating in the mid-2020s can feel harder, but not just because people are settling. It is harder because many people have not fully named what they need, what they want, and what kind of relationship they are actually building for now. That is why settling in relationships is not always the real problem. Often, the real problem is confusion about what a healthy relationship is supposed to provide.
About James Miller
James Miller is a licensed psychotherapist, national radio host, executive producer of the syndicated program James Miller | LIFEOLOGY® Radio, and a member of the Forbes Health Advisory Board. With over 25 years of clinical experience, he helps people better understand why they think, feel, and behave the way they do through practical insight grounded in psychology, spirituality, and neuroscience. He has contributed to Forbes Health, Newsweek, The New York Times, USA Today, Good Housekeeping, and many other outlets.